Thursday, 23 February 2012

Arguing with God (Part III)

Go back to Part 1:

Meanwhile, in a different part of the space-time continuum, it was 1980. Jimmy Carter was President, 'Threes Company' was a popular TV show, and corduroy suits weren't ever going to go out of style.
In an average 24-hour convenient store it was 4 A.M. A large, bald, lonely man sat behind the counter drinking coffee. His name was Vince...

Vince McAber slowly, but diligently, peered over the tarnished white rim of his coffee cup. He had indeed seen it. Something in the murky black liquid had moved!

Swish...Splash! Yes, there it was again!

Little did Vince McCaber know (and he did know very little) was that right in front of him, in the depths of his putrid java, life had evolved. And even littler did he know that this life form, which had been accelerated to its current form by super intelligent aliens, was to one day grant man a higher path of awareness and metaphysical knowledge.

"Oh well, hope it doesn't taste any different," Vince muttered, shrugging. And with that he held the cup up to his face, turning it more and more as he gulped and gulped and gulped and then chewed.
Vince thought that he had heard a small, high-pitched scream when he had chewed. It had tasted a little like marinaded chicken with brown sauce. Licking his lips, he sat back and hoped that whatever it was that he just swallowed didn't give him gas.

                                                                   * * *

Gary Gimbart had held three different high paying jobs in the past six months. At the height of his careers, he had been an internationally renowned criminal attorney. But then that came to an end when six men in white coats were holding him down as he screamed something about Jimmy Carter, 'Threes Company,' and the longevity of corduroy suits. After that he had been a biochemist for a leading marine harvesting firm but, as the conclusion to what happened there involves a jar of Miracle Whip and several sticks of celery, it won't be mentioned here.

Nothing ever worked out for Gary Gimbart.

He had a feeling that things wouldn't change as he made his way into an average 24-hour convenient store at 4 A.M. Gary needed to satisfy an excruciating urge for the saltiest potato chips he could find and possibly, if he liked the working conditions, apply for a job.

He now stood infront of the counter behind of which sat a man who was mumbling something about marinaded chicken with brown sauce as he peered into an empty coffee cup. Gary was in awe as this individual was so ugly that it was indescribable. He was fat, bald, and just had an aura of supreme unattractiveness about him. Gary was about to look away when the attendant noticed him standing there.

Like a dying bass, Vince peered at Gary and then suddenly recoiled in disgust: "Oh God, you're disgusting!"

"What? What?" Gary shrieked, wondering what could be so bad about his own appearance that a man who seemed to think that personal hygiene and grooming was a thing for parliament and very important barbecues, would be disgusted.

"Nothing!" Vince squinted, grading the severity of the horror and then, out of pity, looked away. "Nothing at all."

Gary plodded his face with his hands, trying to find something that may have grown, bled, or fallen off. He was a very average looking man with brown, curly hair, matching eyes, and a bristly moustache.

Coincidentally, what Gary didn't know was something that Vince knew even littler of. Aside from having tasted like marinaded chicken with brown sauce, the second ramification of swallowing the advanced being was that Vince's body was now utilizing the near magical tissues, creating superhuman abilities with some strange side-effects. For the next 72 minutes (62 in Newfoundland and Labrador) Vince would have extremely sensitive yet deranged vision. And furthermore, this ability would return every 24 hours (Except on Sundays when the following Monday is a civic holiday). What all of this meant is that when Vince looked up and saw Gary's face, he was not seeing it as you or I would, but he saw Gary as if he were an advanced being from the Sarturus-Alphangeti star system, sent here to help humankind along its evolutionary path... Which, apparently, isn't very pretty (unless Larry King wearing a sombrero and speedo swimming briefs is your idea of pretty).

"Anyway," said Gary, trying to change the subject. "I'm looking for a job."

Vince looked relieved. "Really? That's great: When the boss hired me he didn't tell me that we're open 24-hours a day and that I'm the only employee. I've got to go home: I'm tired."

Go to Part IV.

Saturday, 18 February 2012

Ode to Not Banning Hardcore Porn

Romney, Santorum, and Gingrich all want to ban hard-core porn
But doesn't that mean banning the internet?
What will guys watch when they drink beer in their dorm?
This policy of theirs is really a bad bet

Hark! I need the net
I don't want to live like it's 1983
So now I do fret
I need my Twitter and Youtube because it's all free

And I also need my hardcore porn
Most of that's also free
But sometimes you have to pay for the really good stuff
Still there's a lot to see

So don't vote for any of those three
Or they'll take away all of the really good films
And wasn't it John Stuart Mills
Who said we should watch whatever we want
Unless it stars your ugly old aunt.

John Stuart Mill was an early proponent of hard-core porn

Friday, 10 February 2012

Arguing with God (Part II)

Go back to Part I:

'Since all life is futility, then the decision to exist must be the most irrational of all.'
-Emile M. Cioran.

God took a drag of His cigar, looked disgusted and threw it on the ground. He then stepped on it to make sure that it was out. Just then a heard of a hundred zebras ran by. Walter had never seen zebras before but, he pretended not to be amazed: God was always into theatrics and He was just showing off again.

"Here, let me show you something,' He said, touching Walter's shoulder. With a zap they were travelling through a golden abyss. Now they stood in 14th century France.

Walter liked this part of knowing God personally: Sometimes He took him on field trips.

Poor but happy townspeople ran around dressed in the muddy colours of the time. These clothes were a likely match for their hygiene as none looked like they had ever bathed. Walter tried holding his breath.

"Ah," said God, happily. "We've arrived during a harvest festival." Motioning toward the people, He continued: "You see this is what it was all about. When I created the earth I had exactly this in mind. But then you people had to go and invent technology. The light bulb, the gasoline car, the atomic bomb, the internet, the hyper-internet, the hyper-internet with extra spandex, the nuclear powered spaceship, the nuclear powered spaceship with flux capacitors, nuclear powered spaceships with flux capacitors and extra spandex. Why, oh why, did I ever let you people invent spandex?"

Walter sighed as God continued with His list: "The extra big space elevator, the space elevator that went all the way to Mars, the interstellar cannon that misfired and destroyed the elevator to Mars." He paused, thinking. "Did I miss anything?"
Walter sighed and suggested: "Narfenuggen."
God scowled. "Oh, yes: Narfenuggen."

Narfenuggen wasn't an advertising campaign by Volkswagen to compliment Fahrvergnugen. It was a light blue jelly substance which was used as a replacement for coal. It burned at twice the temperature, was cheap to produce, and did not give off any emissions at all. It was used to generate electricity for years but, it was too good to be true: The artificial slime began to evolve and soon gained intelligence and feelings. Before it could react to anything, it realized that man had created it for one reason: To set on fire. This gave Narfenuggen a special contempt for humans. As the blue slime multiplied itself engulfing cities, people had no choice but to flee to nearby planets and space stations, and then nuke their original home from above. The earth (and the Narfenuggen) was set on fire with atomic explosions.

"Narfenuggen," God repeated, shaking His head. "Even I didn't see that one coming."

Suddenly there was a bright flame which transformed itself into a figure: A man who looked a lot like Milton Berle: Satan had arrived. He, too, pulled out a cigar. Lighting it, he acted surprised to see God and Walter. "Hey God," he said, approaching. "Are you still going on about Narfenuggen?"
God scowled again. Walter winced as he sensed an argument coming on.

Go on to Part 3:

Saturday, 4 February 2012

Some Funny Valentine eCards...

Valentine's Day is quickly approaching so I've been coming up with some eCards...

Worried about germs on your phone...

Click to make larger
If you know your lover a little too intimately...

Click to embiggen
And here's an excuse incase you want to skip out on that big Valentine's Day date...

Click it, damn it! Click it!
Now you can see all of my Valentine's Day cards in one place: